When being in love means being in pain..

“Loving turns into loving too much when our partner is inappropriate, uncaring or unavailable and yet we cannot give him up. In fact we want him even more,our yearning for love becomes..ADDICTION.

Women who love too much

Signs that you are loving too much

  • Do you often converse about “HIM”? Most of your sentence begin with HE? Can you describe his emotions, his problems, his feelings with your intimate friends?
  • When you read books, blogs, comments, do you instantly think about him?
  • Do you excuse his moodiness, bad temper, indifference or put-downs as problem due to an unhappy childhood and you think you could help him?
  • Do you think that you don’t like his basic characteristics, values, behaviors, but put up with him thinking that if you are only attractive and loving enough he’ll change for you?
  • Do you feel empty without him, although being with him torments you?
  • Do you neglect your friends and interest to be available for him?
  • Do you find yourself snooping on his FB, WP, Twitter or even his cellphone?

Loving too much is a sign of being obsess, an addiction. But the root of obsession is not love but fear. Most problems in relationship begins with fear.  Jealousy is fear of being left behind, fear of being abandoned.

Most of us women are afraid of being alone,we fear of being unloved and unworthy, fear of being abandoned or destroyed. We give love in desperate hope that the man with whom we are obsess will take care of our fears. Instead the fears and obsession deepens, we give love in order to get it back. And because your strategy doesn’t work you try to love even harder, until you love too much.

I do think  that  some men practice this kind of obsession, their feelings and behaviors are the same issues women have. Although men by nature are not good in expressing themselves, their tendency is to be more obsessed with work, hobbies or sports.

No women who love too much become such by accident. It could be traced down to family relationships until it becomes planted in the subconscious level. The pattern of these woman may vary  depending on the family situation. But when being in love means being in pain you are loving too much. It is a common experience for many women who in spite of all its pain and dissatisfaction believe that it is the way intimate relationship should be. There are different examples of loving too much, maybe one is unaware of their behavior but it is seen in our society. The root cause is basically the source of primary love, The Family.

Victim of love

Women who are willing to take more responsibility for initiating the relationship and keep it going. She is a very responsible person, a high achiever who is succeeding in many areas of her life but who had a very little self-esteem. She has a little regard for personal integrity in a love relationship. She tends to be manipulative,blames herself for failed relationships. By blaming herself she holds on the hope that she will be able to figure out what went wrong and correct it thereby controlling the situation and stopping the pain.She  is driven by the thought that she can control the situation pursued to keep the relationship going.  She dogged her man, needing more contact, more reassurance and more love.  The worse situation became, the harder it is to let go because of the depth of her need.

Women of this kind usually came from dysfunctional home, where emotional needs as a child were not met. They have the tendency to become caregivers especially to men who appear in some way needy. Having this unconscious need for love, women of this kind are usually attracted to men who are weak and needy. This satisfies the hollowness left from her childhood. Women of this kind find love when they feel needed and in control.

Good sex in bad relationships

Women of this kind often measures love by sexual gratification from men.  Sex is one of the tools she uses to manipulate or change her partner’s attitude towards her. She behaves seductively to get her own way and feels good when it works and bad when it doesn’t. Failing to get what she wants usually causes her to try even harder.She confuses anxiety, fear and pain with love and sexual excitement. She is often attracted with man who is less experienced sexually , in order to feel in control. Her expression of love is communicated through on every kiss and every touch. Most people who have problems expressing their love in words often proves their point with sex. They put great deal of energy into making it work, making it wonderful.  In fact many couples experience good sex after a fight. It is because tension is released, and second it cements the couple’s bond that has been threatened by quarrel. For women who love too much the creation of deep bonds lies on the gratification they get from sex.

Addictive women never admits  failure in their relationship. They often deny the problem, and continue to believe that they can change the attitude of their partners, pushing themselves to the limit only to be buried alive in the pit hole they made.

Repetitive patterns of failed relationship is a sign that there is a problem. For a relationship to survive one must admit that there is a problem and that they cannot resolve the issue by themselves. Surrendering to God and allowing God to move into their lives is the first step towards healing.

Talk therapy is  the best way to reveal the content of the heart. All unresolved emotions that piled up from the past contribute to the way your relationship is established. All unresolved issues should be resolved, by forgiving the people that hurt you, the people you hurt, and forgetting the past and moving on the next chapter of your life. Loving yourself and being complete by letting God fill the hollow that you’ve been looking  is the best treatment for addiction.

We can never know the whole story about the person but accepting him and the fact that you cannot change a person unless he himself recognize it. The world cannot make you happy, nor any  man can make you complete.Love the person but never make him your world. Love yourself first, from there you can give love abundantly to anyone without reservation.  Happiness flows from within, only you can make yourself happy.

Love should be a happy feeling. True love should not be a suffering, not pain.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8  New International Version (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

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